R.I.P.D.

R.I.P.D. (an initialism for "Rest in Peace Department") is one of those movies that sort of happened. I only cared to see it once I read The Dude and the Zen Master, a really insightful book by Jeff Bridges and his friend Bernie Glassman. In it, the two discuss what it's like to try to be relaxed, with an occasional anecdote from the set of a movie.

Here's Bridges recounting his experience on R.I.P.D.

"Kevin Bacon and I recently worked on a movie together, R.I.P.D. Just before we'd begin a scene, when all of us would feel the normal anxiety that actors feel before they start to perform, Kevin would look at me and the other actors with a very serious expression on his face and say: "Remember, everything depends on this!" 

"It would make us all laugh. On the one hand, it's not true, of course, but on the other, everything does depend on this, on just this moment and our attitude toward this moment."

It's pretty clear that not even the cast was crazy about making the movie, but it was a fun hour and a half. I found myself tuning in and out often simply because there was just way too much CGI-- which looked unfinished and belonged on Syfy channel, Doctor Who, or an early 90s movie. The villains are all poorly computer generated undead creatures known in the movie's mythology as "deados". I guarantee you've seen better special effects on YouTube.

Jeff Bridges played a fun character, reprising his role as 1800s lawman Rooster Cogburn from True Grit. I've been a fan of Bridges since The Big Lebowski, so I laughed heartily every time his character said and did anything. I especially loved the chemistry between him and his hat. Ryan Reynolds is in the movie, too. He plays his convincing movie star character who's reluctantly just "doing this for another paycheck". He successfully said all of his lines while keeping his face and emotional investment in the story as static as possible.

The story is simple:

Man loses identity.
Man meets supernatural police agency who wants to employ him.
Man partners up with old cowboy who speaks in wild west jargon.

And of course, Bridges and Reynolds have to save world from a conveniently placed doomsday-based plot point. It's screenwriting 101 meant to make you laugh until you choke on your aromatic, but stale popcorn.

On the plus side, their guns looked really cool and shiny!

As for the tone, R.I.P.D. is in every way an amalgamation of Men in Black and Patrick Swayze's Ghost. See it if you like scraping the bottom of the entertainment barrel.

Starcrash

Starcrash is a Star Wars knock off far worse than any B movie you can possibly imagine. It briefly stars David Hasselhoff as the token Han Solo character, and it makes Howard the Duck look like No Country for Old Men.

Starcrash was released in the late 70s, a year or two after the original Star Wars, fitting into a genre I like to call "Disco Sci-fi" (which to me is any sci-fi/outer space movie from the late 70s to 80s, trying to mooch off the success of Star Wars' mass appeal). But as pretty as some of the backgrounds were, it's clear that the filmmakers did not put in the necessary effort to make the movie powerful enough to stand on its own hind legs.

Yeah, that's totally a lightsaber.

The intro consists of some idiots wearing what looks like aluminum foil hats, as they fly around in a spaceship, only to get overtaken and blown up by a cheap lava lamp special effect superimposed onto the screen. I'm not kidding. It literally looks like footage of a lava lamp, which is later revealed to be a "powerful weapon of space monsters". The worst part about this is that somewhere, an executive saw that and said "yeah, that's good."

Then there are the characters. Obviously, they're not real people, but it would be nice if the filmmakers gave us some sort of impression that they had lives off screen, that they don't suspend themselves on clothes hangers when no one can see them. They live in a sci-fi universe, which is great, so I can understand if their customs are different than ours. They can speak differently, dress differently, but Christ alive, they're so weird. The male lead looks like an unkempt, confused, supersized hobbit. And the main woman dresses very... very minimally. It's like she lives in an orgy. Side note: SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A PILOT! Any frame of her in the film can easily be used on a Maxim cover.

The dialogue must have been written by a three year old. In the beginning, the two main characters, Akton and Stella Star (yes, that's her character's actual name), are just cruisin' around the galaxy when a police ship tries to pull them over-- for speeding, I guess. The space cop shows up in their magic t.v. and some bald guy yells at them, saying "As Thor, chief of the Imperial police, I order you to surrender at once". Real original name, by the way, Thor. Naturally, I expected one of them to retort with, "Come and get us, doo-doo head!" Sadly, they didn't say that. They just happily jumped to hyperspace, which is evasion and a goddamn felony, something they should have taken into account.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the movie. I had a great time watching it, but for all the wrong reasons. It mimicked Star Wars in as many ways possible, but it lacked heart. In fact, Starcrash had about as much soul as a dead sociopath, but I found every subtle mistake and careless nuance hilarious. Like in the intro where they cut off the intro music abruptly at the end of the credits. Or how they solved every plot point with a deus ex machina-- the main character just reveals new "powers" (a.k.a. force powers) whenever the good guys need to move the story along in their benefit. I love the campy substitute they had for Darth Vader. You know, the bad guy with an evil beard and a cape. I loved how he had a "Doom Machine" instead of a "Death Star". In a non-ironic way, I genuinely loved the stop motion, the fantastically multicolored constellations, and the fact that all the ships were models instead of CGI. At the end of the day, it's Spaceballs, the only difference is that Starcrash, though a whole lot funnier, took itself way too seriously.