Miami Vice

You've heard about it. It's the most 80s show to have ever 80s'd. But have you seen it?

Supercops Crockett and Tubbs

Miami Vice is addicting in a lot of ways with its iconic 80s music, expensive action scenes, colorful costumes and lighting, but it has its flaws. The stories are convoluted, while the dialogue is watered down for network t.v. The pacing can be slow and as drawn out as this run-on sentence and just when you think the episode you're watching will pick up its pace, it doesn't and reading this sentence is what it feels like to watch the show. Then there's the editing, which is more of an endurance test than anything else. Here's the intro via YouTube (thanks, NBC!). I broke it down in the paragraph below.

...What the hell was that? You just filmed a bunch of palm trees before showing a nauseating bird's-eye view of the ocean. Why did you do that? What is this?-- Pelican Vice? But I'll keep watching to make sense of this psychological experiment. Maybe we can piece this intro together and relate it back to the show. Okay, flamingos, yes-- wait, what!? The bird's point of view again? I'm getting woozy, man. Don't show me that view anymore. Okay, yes, now you're showing us jai alai, that's a fine sport, underrated. Cars, yes. Thank you. Nice pool. Guy's on his phone in the water, cheating death, yes. Dogs are racing, very good-- hey... WHAT THE F*CK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE BIRD'S POINT OF VIEW!? It's making me nauseous! I TOLD you this twice, already! Jesus Christ, NBC, didn't you test this intro with an audience to see if it is or isn't tolerable? Okay, a building, yes. Girl windsurfing, very good. Nice hair dip, let's see if that has anything to do with any of the upcoming investigations. Okay, a federal building, thank you for that view, yes. Horse racing, very good for the Miami economy... what!?--GODDAMN THAT BIRD'S EYE VIEW! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL HUNGOVER, MIAMI VICE!? BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB OF THAT!!! Ah, yes. Valet is parking a car. Okay, a sailboat, very stylish. I guess that final shot of a rippling wave is important, thank you for showing me that.

Despite the fact that one viewing of the intro will cause incurable PTSD, what we love about Miami Vice is the sense of wonder we get when thinking about all those possible Miami nights. It's a fantasy. Who doesn't want to cruise around a neon-lit beach in a custom sports car or a fast boat, solving crimes with your buddy cop? Everyone wants that. Especially the unseen bird from the intro.